Startling New Discovery Dramatically Alters Our Understanding Of Human Evolution

1 04 2010

Good tidings and well-wishes!

Though I don’t normally feel compelled to report paleo news as I feel that a plethora of excellent websites and blogs dedicated to the subject already exist, I simply couldn’t resist expressing my commentary on this fascinating and field-altering story.

The anatomical parallels between Homo sapiens and modern primates have been known to science for millenia, long before a certain delinquent named Charles Darwin arrived on the scene. Thus, when the theory of evolution began to take shape, it was assumed that our species must be closely akin to these hairy, smelly, beasts.

But we all know what happens when you assume

The so-called ‘scientific’ community has failed to adhere to the very scientific method it claims to unwaveringly support, for besides our indisputable fossil record and genetic phylogeny both of which perfectly adhere to the well-established theory that humans have descended from (and are  to still be considered as) primates, I ask you, what evidence do they have to support their ridiculous claim that we humans, the intellectual titans for whose every wish (however frivolous) this planet is unquestionably meant to serve, are somehow related to these loathsome, opposable-thumbed, circus-dwelling monsters?!

Fortunately, however, this new discovery will surely rid our society of such a deplorable concept, for it turns out that we didn’t actually evolve from primates: instead, we must have evolved from peanuts!

Though the recently acquired fossil itself has yet to be photographed, take a gander at the latest artistic reconstruction as drawn by the world-renowned paleontological illustrator John Sibbick:

This remarkable specimen, dubbed Legume sapiens, was unearthed  just south of Allentown, PA and clearly displays a series of anatomical features which irrefutably prove that it was our direct ancestor, such as opposable thumbs and a bipedal stance. But even more tellingly, consider the following comparison:

As you can see (if you possess enough willpower to force your eyes to behold the right side of your screen), Legume sapiens clearly mirrors the classic human female hourglass shape far better than any fossilized monkey or primate ever has! Hence, the evidence shows that not only is it our closest relative, but our direct precursor as well!

Now I know what some of you skeptics are thinking: “But Mark, what about all of the genetic and paleontological data which conclusively maintains that we’re descended from hominids?” Does L. sapiens exceed this evidence in both fields?

No, but aren’t you better comforted by the idea that we’re the evolutionary offspring of peanuts than by that silly old notion that we’ve come from a pack of apes?

I know I am!




2 responses

2 04 2010
Zach Miller

I’m convinced. Sometimes, I DO feel like a nut.

2 04 2010

WHAT? WE’RE DESCENDED FROM PEANUTS? Well this is a shocker. Stephen Colbert told us that the discovery of Effigia showed that we descended from crocodiles. Damn scientists are SO inconsistant!—google

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